Messed up badly, broken again
Sometimes we live, sometimes we die, sometimes we cry. — Van Morrison.
I come from a long line of hot-blooded Irish men with extremely short fuses. Both my father and his father before him were fine and decent good-hearted men, but boy could they blow! Tsunamis of rage could erupt from both men at a moment’s notice with almost no warning. Relative calm would soon get restored, but there was often brokenness left in the wake of the storms.
In my case, the apple did not fall far from the tree. For I too, have carried this quick to anger, short fuse, with all its destructive power within me since I was a child. I don’t know if my father or grandfather ever attempted to tame this ego driven beast within themselves, but I certainly have.
For the past quarter of a century, I have done all I can to feed the lamb of peace deep within my heart and let the raging bull starve. But now and then, despite my best efforts, the raging bull breaks free, and chaos ensues.
A recent long-distance call with one of my brothers is a case in point. I messed up badly, completely lost my cool, and to say the least of it, it did not end well! I left him wounded, and my own heart, no less tattered and torn.
But the spiritual tools I have learned along the path are not without their advantage, even when the ego-self has once again got me off the beam and raging. The living God, who is pure love and compassion, never vacates the scene.
There was a time on my long quest for a humble heart when I thought that sooner or later, the living Spirit of love would wash me entirely clean. No more rage, no more harm done to others, especially those I love the most.
Over the years, multiple bouts of off the beam brokenness have taught me that this is an illusion. There is always a lesson to be learned from the many falls along the path to inner peace. It is a journey of the imperfect, not the perfect. When the wounding power of the ego goes on the rampage, the sacred balm of peace and love through amend making is the only remedy I know. And this is a painful but vital lesson indeed.
Mystics from every time and place insist that an ever-increasing up close and personal relationship with the universal Spirit of love is the main purpose of life. When harm gets done to others, this must get rectified as soon as practically possible to get the main game back on track.
When the ego bull goes raging and harm is done, there is nothing more effective for getting it back in check than the humbling of the ego. In my experience, nothing gets this job done better than making direct, heartfelt amends to those I’ve harmed.
Several subsequent calls to my wounded brother have so far remained unanswered. Who could blame him? So, I have written apologizing instead. Some of us hot-blooded Irish fellas are certified experts in long term feuding. But hopefully the day will come soon when he opens his door to me once more.
May my brother’s days be free from harm, and light and easy. And may the lamb of peace deep in my heart subdue the raging bull within, that so unravels me.
Feed the lamb of peace, comrades, and let the raging bull starve! “Sometimes we live, sometimes we die, sometimes we cry…”
– Cormac Stagg, author of The Quest for a Humble Heart